


You alrigh', darlin'?

by Its_Raineing_Words



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Cute, Getting Together, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-17 21:45:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9347621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Its_Raineing_Words/pseuds/Its_Raineing_Words
Summary: Rimmer was far too Lister's accent for his own good but why did Lister have to chose now to be far too observant?





	

Arnold Judas Rimmer had been raised to be a respectable officer on a respectable space ship and regardless of the fact that he was neither of those things he took a great deal of pride in his morality. That all came crashing down around him when he met David Lister for the first time. Of course, he had heard various Earth accents, even other Liverpudlian ones but the way Lister turned vowels and consonants into pure sex was something he’d never encountered before. It had been a massive knock to his heterosexuality and ego but he got over it eventually when he realised just how much of a goit Lister was, it didn’t matter how erotic he sounded if the actual words were vicious insults after all. 

It only got worse for Arnold when Lister got drunk which was often, he’d start saying things Arnold would rather not think about. He’d say them to anything, the toaster or his idiotic friends who would just giggle or even on one horrifying occasion to Arnold himself.   
“Ye’d be shaggable if ye kept yer pretty mouth shut, Rimmer.” The words haunted his dreams for weeks afterwards.

Arnold actually thought he’d get some peace when the crew of the Red Dwarf all perished but alas that just wasn’t to be. Even though they had an entire ship to avoid each other on they found that loneliness outweighed their hatred of each other. Thankfully he managed to build up an immunity to Lister’s accent which he was endlessly grateful for. Especially when Lister would start to ramble about something idiotic he’d found while trawling through derelict ships like fifty thousand tonnes of Madeira sauce and it took all of Arnold’s willpower not to kiss him goitishness be damned. 

In fact, Arnold would go so far as to say that his...unfortunate Liverpudlian affliction was starting to abate when he messed it up like always.   
“Hiya, Rimmer. Did Krytes tell ye we jus’ got a mail delivery?” His accent was thickened with sleep even though it was well past midday on the ship. Arnold couldn’t suppress a tiny whimper which he hoped Lister would either ignore or take to be a sign of a bladder infection.   
“Wha’?” Lister looked at him oddly before speaking again and Arnold blushed and clenched his hands tightly.  
“Rimmer? Oh, this is jus’ amazin’. I am not gonna let ye live this one down, not when I’ve had te listen te ye go on about ‘ow superior the Ionian accent is to literally every other one in the solar system.”   
Why did Lister have to pick now to be observant?! It made no sense and Arnold’s whole face burned in shame but before he could defend himself Lister just cackled and left which he didn’t know whether to feel grateful for or not, it’s not like it mattered if he told the others-they already despised him after all. 

Arnold most definitely didn’t hide in his quarters for three hours, he just..didn’t leave. Not even when Holly told him he was being a twat and threatened to turn his hair pink. He left eventually to go out at dinnertime even though he didn’t need to eat it would look odd if he wasn’t there and he wouldn’t be seen to be a coward even if in all honesty he was a bit. It didn’t look like Lister had said anything because there was no sniggering or outright mockery, just a vaguely pleased-looking scouser.   
“Hey, Kat, what were you doing down in the engines? I thought you wouldn’t go down there because they’d mess up your hair.” Arnold scowled at the other man, he was purposefully deepening his voice which wasn’t fair at all.   
“I was steaming my shirts, dummy. Can’t put them in the washer.” Kat screeched.  
“O’ course, man. Shoulda known.” Lister was completely unsubtle in how he looked over to Arnold to see how he reacted. Arnold didn’t show anything, though, not at all...

The utter ridiculousness of how Lister was acting what with his uncharacteristic insight into Arnold’s mind drove him from the table even earlier than usual and not even his telegraph pole slides could calm him down. Arnold had been raised in a very traditional Ionian way, that is to say, he was told that being anything other than straight was wrong bordering on unforgivable and so he shoved any feelings he might have had down deep in his soul beside his dream of being a painter and pointedly didn’t think about it. As much as he knew now that there was more to the universe than his father and his opinion and Arnold himself had become a lot more accepting regardless of what his fellow crewmembers thought he just couldn’t let his father’s opinions go. And besides, Arnold thought manically to himself, being a flaming homosexual is one thing but being attracted to Lister is completely unacceptable. 

Unsurprisingly Lister resumed his merciless teasing that night and Arnold had no defence for it, certainly not for an obnoxious roommate who took it upon himself to try and seduce him in the name of mockery. He had rid himself of his usual leather jacket and was parading about in just his disgustingly stained t-shirt and deepening his voice and broadening his accent. It was enough to do a lesser man in but Arnold simply retreated to the safety of his bunk.   
“Are ye hidin’, Rimmer?” Lister cackled.  
“Not on your life, miladdo. I’m simply retiring to my bunk, you should do the same.” He said stiffly.   
“Ha! I didn’ think ye had it in ye, Rimsy! Askin’ me te ‘retire’ te ye bunk.” Arnold could hear him sniggering from under his blankets.  
“TO YOUR OWN BUNK!” Arnold yelled, his voice most certainly not cracking. Lister didn’t speak to Arnold again for the rest of the night but stayed up late drinking beer and watching some asinine space soap presumably to annoy the hologram. 

The next few days went on like that with Lister trying his level best to kill Arnold with his changed accent and demeanour. He resolutely said nothing to let him know he noticed what he was doing even though he very much did notice. It all came to a head when they came across a massive crate of some sort of curry or other on a ship they were searching. You see, Lister has a love of curry that doesn’t just border on sexual but hops over the fence and is frolicking on the other side. He was trying Arnold’s patience as he had taken to spending most of the day stuffing his face with curry and licking the sauce off his fingers in a disgusting attempt to be sexy-it was all getting too much for him. He just simply couldn’t avoid his roommate, he had even tried walking trips around the ship but Lister had taken to following him like he was his sexed up shadow eating curry the entire time. 

Arnold had managed to escape him and was minding his own business and eating his completely redundant lunch in the canteen when Lister showed up, swaggering into the room as usual.  
“You alrigh’, darlin’?” Arnold tensed, Lister had set a hand on his shoulder and was grinning down at him, clearly amused by something or other.  
“Smeg off, Lister. I don’t want to hear your cheek.” He growled.  
“Bet ye’d like ta see it, though.” Lister snarked, not moving his hand.  
“I’d like you to smeg off.” Arnold retorted.  
“Aww, don’ be like tha’, love.” Lister had the audacity to flash his cow eyes as he spoke.  
“Lister…” Arnold moved Lister’s hand off his shoulder and not a moment too soon, a man only had so much self-control.  
“I love it when ye say my name.” He purred, smirking wickedly at him, amusement shining in his eyes, “OW! What’d d’ya hit me for?”   
“Because you were being a goit, so, for being yourself really.” Arnold harrumphed and abandoned his lunch in favour of making a hasty retreat from the room.

It was beginning to really get to him when Lister just stopped, stopped teasing him with his filthy words in that filthier voice, stopped touching him, stopped following him, stopped everything. Logically Arnold knew that he should be happy about that but he just...wasn’t. He found himself looking at Lister, waiting for him to do something, say something but it never happened. Sure, he still teased Arnold mercilessly in front of the others but he didn’t bother to talk to him at all when they were alone and if Arnold didn’t know better he’d say that Lister was upset about something, not like he had anything to be upset about. Barring the obvious ‘last of his species’ reason, of course. 

He had enough of Lister’s childish behaviour and confronted him one morning about it. It was easy considering Lister had the sleep schedule of a jetlagged bat and didn’t even think about getting out of bed before noon, it was just a matter of waiting until he got up, easy. What wasn’t easy though was getting Lister to talk.  
“Right, m’laddo. You’ve been ignoring me for the past week and if you thought I wouldn’t notice you’d be mistaken, we’re the last people alive in case you’d forgotten or at least you are! I want an explanation if you please.” He tapped his hip as he spoke in a way he knew infuriated the other man, he just wanted him to speak again, even if it was insulting.   
“Rimmer, just fuck off. I’ve been up less than a minute, I can’t deal with your irrational bullshit just yet.” Lister said in a careful voice, he even pronounced all his letters. It made Arnold frown.   
“Something’s wrong, you can’t fool me. If you have a problem with me just say so, you’ve not had a problem with that before.” He had meant for this conversation to be civil but that was looking increasingly unlikely.  
“Tha’ was before! Ye know perfectly well wha’s wrong. Just don’t.” Lister was furious all of a sudden and the emotion in his voice made Arnold take a half-step backwards.  
“No, actually, I don’t. As I remember it you were being a smeghead like always, trying to make me look like an idiot so don’t play the victim here!” He retorted.  
“Not everyone is always out to get ya, Rimmer! Sometimes people just wanna talk to ya, or...fuck it. Doesn’t matter anyway.” He grumbled, letting his head fall back onto the pillow with a muffled thump.  
“Clearly it does because you’ve been acting like a toddler and I’ve had enough.” Arnold huffed.   
Lister glared at the ceiling fiercely for a few seconds before letting out a sigh and speaking, “Alrigh’ wha’eveh, I like ya. That’s what wrong wi’ me. I fancy the pants off of ya and ya hate me.”

For the first time in possibly ever Arnold was speechless, he had never been a charming or overly-attractive man and as such had never had anyone tell him they fancied him so he had no idea what to say. Especially when he may or may not feel the same. He knew that he missed Lister when he wasn’t with him and that when he was there he made Arnold feel so...so...smeg, he’s royally fucked.  
“I don’t hate you, Lister. I…” There was so much he wanted to say but the words seemed to get stuck around his uvula, “I really don’t hate you.”   
“Then why the fuck have you been treating me like dirt lately?” Lister growled.   
“Why have you been trying to embarrass me lately?” He countered angrily.   
“Cause it was the only way to get any sort of reaction out of ye! You’re so fecking uptight and when I found out there was a chance you felt the same I went for it.” He blurted out before looking visibly shocked by his own outburst, not that he could possibly be more shocked than Arnold at that particular moment. “But ye just seemed horrified every time I was in the room with ye so I jus’ gave up, surely that makes ye happy? I’m not gonna bother ye anymore.”   
“Maybe I want you to bother me,” Arnold replied softly, barely believing he had actually said those incriminating words.  
“Wha’?” Lister said dumbly.  
“You heard me, miladdo. Don’t make me repeat myself.” He huffed, blushing fiercely.   
“You want me to...bother you?” He asked incredulously.   
“If that’s the alternative to this debacle, yes.” He frowned, feeling his heart thumping loudly in his chest.   
“Tha’ sounds a lot like you likin’ me back.” Lister’s downtrodden state was forgotten as he smirked wickedly.  
“You can take my words however you like, miladdo.” Rimmer said.  
“However I like? Isn’t tha’ giving me a bit too much power, Rimmer?” Lister teased.  
“I don’t know, is it?” He shot back, frowning slightly, “Because I mean my words in only the most innocent way possible, however your twisted mind decides to take that is beyond my ability to change.”   
“If ye say so…” He drawled, deliberately drawing his words out three seconds more than they needed to be.   
“I did literally just say so not twenty seconds ago, yes.” Rimmer replied sardonically.   
“Well, I’m going to take your words as a terrible attempt at a confession of love.” The Scouser rocked back and forth on his feet in excitement as Rimmer’s heart stopped as his face came to fiery life. With that Lister took a large step towards him and he took a sharp but useless breath, “I want to kiss you...can I?”   
The hologram looked at him with wide eyes and flaming cheeks, his mind flying through everything that could go wrong. He nodded. 

When their lips met it was intense, all the other fumbling snogs Rimmer had partaken in over the years were nothing compared to this, they were just skin on skin. This was more than that, though. Not fireworks or magic but Lister’s animal heat interacting with the light emanating from Rimmer’s light bee. He felt more than heard the Scouser’s gasp against him and all of a sudden he felt Lister’s weight on him and pushing him back and back against the wall. The small part of Rimmer’s mind that still found it too good to be true that he was now hard light expected him to fall through the wall and leave Lister there, panting and flushed but he didn’t. He just moaned and wriggled a little because of all the energy thrumming under his skin. 

Eventually, once their lips were tingling and their cheeks were flushed, they pulled away.  
“Christ, Rimmer...you know how to kiss?” Lister breathed after a while, still panting slightly.   
The hologram huffed, “It’s not that hard and besides I have had some...sexual contact.”  
“Ooooh,” He giggled, “you’ve had ‘sexual contact’, eh? Something besides your fumble with that poor bird with the concussion?”   
“Yes. And you’d be wise to drop the subject, miladdo-or you won’t be kissing me for a long while.” He retorted arms cross which would have had more effect if he hadn’t still been pressed up against a wall.  
Lister put his hands up in surrender, “Alright there, tiger. I believe you.”  
“Good. Now shut up and kiss me before you say something and ruin it.”   
And Lister did.


End file.
